Christmas today

breakfast
first successful omelet - yay!
home
jamming to jazz
cleaning
old findings
Christmas meanings now

quiet eve

this quiet eve, as merry greetings erupt in the car at the strike of 12, kisses and merriment ensues.
though sudden thoughts of this time, last year fills my mind
wondering  
wondering at my thoughts then  
at my accomplishments now  
at my heart..

fear

every so often a fear of abandonment overcomes
in an instant all close connections are lost
yet time continues to go forth, whilst i freeze in the moment

what will happen?
where will i go?
where am i?

then this small hand packed snowball rolls down a hill
and picks up more and more, quicker, bigger,
breath shortens, heartbeat quickens
fists clench, stomach churn
eyes shut

..

an exhale of withheld anguish escapes as i walk towards a dimly lit hallway
guided by a ring and another ring from my doorbell.
carefully revealing familiar faces and security
sounds of relief from a day's work
and relief as fear scurries away today.

time

loved ones

spending time

Christmas

remembering ones who aren't with me...

day

today. i have today. i had.

tis a day of nostalgia, of remembering, of experiencing, of retracing the steps i took - starting from 9 years ago, and for the 4 years thereafter. steps that i now vaguely remember, but left with a lingering sort of unfinished bittersweet.

remembering the regrets, or maybe regretting them now?
remembering the laughter, the talks, the walks, the tears.
down the hill, through the fence, into the halls, up the stairs.
remembering my hesitance, wondering now - was it then, when it started?
when the feeling of lacking kicked in, fears of not being up to par to my imagination?
was it then, when i pulled myself in, catching all that i can, the moments, and grasping fearfully, that they may slip through and begone? that i will have to build myself up again?

stepping into a place of familiarity, but overcome by anonymity. my thoughts become solemn at the  realization of my lack of presence, during this time of the year - 7 years ago - when Christmas concerts just were not my thing. ironically, i came back for that today, without being able to find any other reason to. and i carry with me, a heavy heart loaded with farewells, reminders, releases, next steps.

one day. 9 years ago, i thought of one day.
to day, i have today.

today's movie: one day.

the pursuit

this part of my life is called... the rut.

it seems as tho i've hit hard.
the best is yet to come,
or maybe, the worst is yet to come..?

there is something that needs to be let go of
or something that needs to be realized, overcome, embraced.

what is the pursuit of this time?

time

time.

from

escape 

to

today's movie: the pursuit of happiness.

today

felix mendelssohn

once

falling slowly

musical

burgers 

soccer

layers

cold

blades

ice

unsteady

locked knees

fall thrice

back up

dig slide

warmth shared

chill

hand

led

look

focus

away

ahead

bruised

numb

left

on my own

own pace
held tight grasp, glide, turn, close

laughter

fears

hesitance

pain

air

thanks for not giving up

others fly by, pair and unpaired

i stand, teeter totter

shivers

thaw

food

silence

home

不知不覺地走回家
too much to think

fresh air

clarity

stop thinking

shake it off

close it up

stop. just simply, enjoy. 

reminders, to remember, over and over, but, over. 

start

a nice reminder personally

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/18/30-things-to-start-doing-for-yourself/

things i have been doing, one by one, i'll get there..

old

i went to a dinner banquet celebration of a 100 day-old baby and found out/realized that i am considered to be in the category of 'aunties' now...now that my friends are having kids that can talk..in the age range to address others, i mean....
i guess it makes sense...i call my parents friends 'auntie' and 'uncle'...

o.o
ohmyy

.....

once

one month until Christmas... yayy :)

despite the bitter cold wind, i often try to warm up with thoughts of bright lights, and Christmas time fuzzies - like the joy of colour, of purposely expressed love, gratitude, smiles, hugs, laughter...

the creases around your eyes from a genuine laughter resulting from a silly prank
made me pause. to take a glimpse. attempting to grasp the scene. as my eyes traced along the creases and groves in the momentary laughter. time slowed.

in disbelief at myself, faltering. i paused.

a recurring thought today, so might as well take it down. maybe then, i can forget about it.

Creme Brulee

Creme Brulee

• 1.5 cup milk
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 2 large eggs
• 3 large egg yolks
• 2 tsp vanilla
• boiling water for water bath
• sugar for topping

1. oven 325F. milk and cream simmer. 
2. sugar, salt, egg, egg yolks, vanilla, until smooth. whisk in cooled cooked cream.
3. ramekins. bake water bath 30-40 min. 

Choux a la Crème

Good Afternoon~

Since there were leftover egg yolks from making a mousse cake last week, and i didn't want to make creme brulee for the 5th time within the past 20 days...i decided to try something that's been put off..cream puffs!

The custard in the middle calls for egg yolks only, so why not? 

After some recipes/comments comparison/combination - as usual - here's what i worked with... have fun :) 

Custard

• 3-4 egg yolks
• 3 cups milk
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup cornstarch
• a pinch of salt
• 1 tsp. vanilla essence [or vanilla bean..]

1. Beat the egg yolks until mixed well. Add in milk, one cup at a time.
2. Mix sugar, cornstarch, and salt into a saucepan [big enough for all of the milk mixture to go in later.]
3. Stir in a bit of the milk mixture, making a smooth paste. [Be sure to mush all lumps formed.]
4. Mix in the rest of the milk mixture into the saucepan, until a homogeneous mixture of pale yellow is formed. 
5. Cook over medium-low heat, stirring constantly, but not too much to break the consistency of the custard. 
6. Stir and cook until paste thickens [approx. 20-25 mins.]. Once you see bubbles formed, or spitting out of the thickened mixture, take it off the heat and cool the saucepan with cold water. mixing thoroughly as well. This prevents the cream from continue cooking with its remnant heat. 
7. Stir in vanilla essence once the saucepan is in the cooling stage. 
8. Cover and let cool in fridge when it has gotten to room temperature. Custard does not fare too well when it is sitting out for a long time. 

Optional:

• you can add a bit of rum or whiskey to it, to your liking
• if you want to make chocolate custard, mix in some melted chocolates and cocoa powder when it is still warm
• if you want to make green tea custard, mix in some green tea powder when it's still warm

^the above suggestions don't really have a set amount, because the amount and taste is really to your liking :) 

Puff pastry

• 1 cup water
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 4 large eggs
• powdered sugar & melted chocolate for garnish

1. Preheat oven to 350 F. 
2. Bring water and butter to a rolling boil. Turn off heat. 
3. Mix flour and salt into the pot. Mix well, until there are no lumps. 
4. You can transfer the dough into a large bowl. Mix is a few times to cool it down. 
5. Beat eggs into the dough, one at a time once the dough has cooled. Mix well after each egg.
6. Drop round teaspoon/tablespoon amounts onto a cookie sheet (parchment paper layer), depending on the size you like. 
7. Bake for about 30-35 minutes, checking after 25 mins. Once again, the time does depend on the size of your puff. Try not to open and close the oven door often, so as to not disrupt the baking of the puffs. 
8. Once they are of a golden brown, and you've quickly taken one out to check the middle [it should be puffed up and somewhat hollow], take it out and cool. Do not leave them in the oven to cool. 
9. Fill the custard into a pastry bag, then pipe them into the cream puffs.

For garnish: 

• you can sift powdered sugar on top of the filled puffs
• you can dip the top of the puffs into melted chocolate
• you can decorate with fruits and whipped cream
• and much more! experiment with it!

okay.

implicit
just invite
see where God leads

..oh, okay.

what have i thought about recently?

self worth
not belonging
finding my place
figuring dynamics

i guess they are lifelong thoughts, more so, struggles
even when i write, i filter...or maybe i just don't have coherent, expressive thoughts that can be delivered to one's understanding

communication, what is that?

commitment
mutual
growth in God

what really needs to be of concern, is what is being done about my personal walk, challenging myself and overcoming, inspire thoughts and responses, plans and goals.

to continue to push myself to uncomfortable limits..

..from an impromptu afternoon chat with an intriguing fellow.

continue

whilst i read a passage..

a friend messages me, with the spiteful words and pessimistic perspectives. as i stay put and listen - or rather, read what is written, i realize not to reply with what comes up in my head first, unfortunately. due to the hot tempered i, thoughts must be strained and filtered, bringing out the blessing and shaking out the spite.

but it's hard, as well as not being received well, of course. being 3am in the morning - i decided it's not really a time i have the strength, or eloquence to continue the imbalance conversation - though there was never a time restraint to Jesus - my flesh is weak, no matter how willing my heart wants to render her understanding and love.

Jesus didn't really have things easy on him, but always a blessing.
i shall continue to try, as well.

more

i fear facing
so heart hardens, just a little bit more.

towards you

i'm getting there

to a place where the existence of you will not distract.

shan't distract.

aside.

not bothered. not bothered.

why would it be bothersome? but it does.

dam. but it didn't. or maybe the first reaction was intuitive. immediate.
smile about it, look around, disregard, continue on.

oh well. pushed aside.

rejection

first official rejection from job search...
it's nice they send an official rejection letter, so you don't keep waiting for something that isn't for you.

because that is painful, waiting for something that is not mine.

Oceans - Hilsong United

You call me out upon the waters.
The Great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery;
In oceans deep my faith will stand.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Your Grace abounds in the deepest waters.
Your Sovereign hand will be my guide.
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me;
You've never failed
And you won't stop now.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my saviour.

I will call upon your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in your embrace
I am yours and you are mine.

more passing time..

another month

abundant simplicity
accomplishments, lists, fear of doing things in vain, but that is what is taking over

resist, discipline urges, resist moments

because when i do, i put myself in an uncomfortable state, a position unwanted, destructive even..

passing time..

two months, isn't long, neither is it short.

things can be changed, rather substantially, however not fully.. 

setting sun

here i am, counting the days of the setting sun.

old new[s]

i saw

but did not want to know

for i knew

that when i find out, it will be painful

but funny enough

i still hear things about you

and i still find out

in the end

that which i avoid so clearly

ends up coming back to me. 

why.

why does it come when i try so hard to make it go away. 

weakness

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive. - Battista

one way or another, these words have been repeated

fight.

maybe that's just me
me being strong
and others just need something to lean on
whilst i sit up straight
being strong
because i can
and that's just me
because i can fight it.

continue fighting.
i must.

sting

i need to know
to not run away when it hurts
because maybe, just maybe, this is the worst it'll get?
and before thoroughly healing, it must be thoroughly exposed
and exposure stings
just like an open wound coming in contact with alcohol to be thoroughly cleansed, creating bitter pain, but protection.
and i know
i really do.

[rhythms] servant heart

standing in awe of your grace...
my eyes set on you
in this race that i run
no longer my ways
let your will be done
make me a servant
my heart's ever true
clinging to the cross
i'll follow you.


i..will..follow..You...even though it may be hard. who am i kidding, it is so hard Father. and You know. You know very well, sending Your son out to this scary world with much temptation, with much hurt, with much brokenness, with much pain, hostility, slander, hypocrisy, judgement, sin.

You know very well how hard it is, watching Your children tumble and stumble into potholes, letting go of your grasp, deafening our ears, blindfolding our eyes, disregarding Your warnings, and walk into a wall. over and over again. Father, You know very well.

let my eyes be set on You, truly set on You in this difficult race that i run.
i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Phil 3:14
Father, i can't run, i can't run at all. physically, you know that i absolutely can't. and so what's left to do is to leave early, and walk briskly, to make it up. but even so, i fall behind. and then slower, and slower i seem to go. until..i..get..there.
last time i had been restricted, but this time, when i can, i go.
it is warned, that a loss is felt. regret, guilt. and received with confusion, with hurt, with hostility, with laughter, with judgement, with anger, with distance, with separation.

but this is me acting upon what i've said. Father this act is costly, Costing tears, cost pain, cost trust, cost faith, cost love, cost You.

it cost Your son, Your protection, Your grasp, Your comfort. But Father, it hasn't cost Your love. not at all. Your unending love. and so where is this in me? how is it manifested in me Father? how do i continue loving and trusting and forgiving..?

Suffocation. the air seemingly diminishes as i try to focus, focus on what i am supposed to. should i go? but no, the night isn't over. and so over and over again i play, in hopes to tune out. and focus. and so it goes on, the song, the taunt, the temptation, the silliness inside my head. the taunt, the worst of all, the taunt. haunts.
and i become questionable..i become..? i..? or is it my identity. is it not rooted in Christ? where is it? where am i placing this gift from above? where is the grasp?

Father, as i begin to act upon what should be done, let this be pleasing to You. Let this be glorifying to You. Let this..be surrendered to You.

test

huithegiuerluyr794yr784o7fhukhfkjsdhfjkd

focus.

please focus.

all this is a test to make one stronger.

focus.

grasp

grasp

i need to talk hold of this heart, mind

that is running all over the place

in hopes

trying

to get something

but i don't know what.

some understanding?

some empathy?

some love?

but what is understanding when we each have our own experiences
what we hear then understand becomes relative to what we've felt before
do you understand?

not only to be heard, but to be felt in sharing the same experience.
'i feel you' is that what is being searched for?
i have been told to have such character. i guess that is good?
but really, to be sentient. all the while, to reason.
what do you expect of us, can you not have a little empathy?

oh the beautiful idea of love. and it's so lovely of an idea that it stops there.
what about the path that comes after, the responsibilities, the interdependence, the mindfulness.
if one cannot take care of themselves, how can they partake in the life of another
do you have what it takes to love?

i guess the lack of speaking comes with the unwanted feeling of pity, sympathy, to be dealt with fragility, or others to 'be careful' around me.
because it has never been so..or it has always been the case?
whatever the fact, maybe i just need a slap-in-the-face, punch-in-the-gut, stab-in-the-foot sort of accountability.
can i take it? with this prideful unaware stubborn mind.

back.

looking back

reading back

this is how my mind becomes idle, in the past.

thinking back
the times i did not treasure
but i remember, i was fighting it. try to not fall.

and now i wish i would have live in it.
now that it becomes once upon a past.
but then maybe it was a success, to not have been in the moment.

so in the end, did i? 

pop

circumstance

such as.



circumstance falls into place.

hurting head
much better than a hurting heart?

how are you

how are you, heart?
how are you, thoughts?
how are you, attitude?

it's been awhile. i know i spend much time on my outer appearance.
i guess spending time on checking my inner self should be done more often.

[rhythms] prodigal

Be strong in the Lord and in his great power.
- Ephesians 6:10

[My] eyes look in the mirror and see a sinner, a failure, a promise-breaker. But by faith [i] look in the mirror and see a robed prodigal bearing the ring of grace on [my] finger and the kiss of [my] Father on [my] face.
- Max Lucado

an unwanted reflection.
a merciful reminder.

silly me.

four years of friendship.
and it is not worth wanting picture.
okay.

just a thought, what is closure?

...

i think i'm done.

to deal with y...

i think i'm done.

and now begins the steps to take in being done.

[rhythms] declare

today, i declared to the heavens, the people of this world, people in this world - that i am saved.
saved by the grace of God, cleansed by the blood of Jesus, and filled by the Holy Spirit.

emotional intelligence

ouf.

to be human.

http://goodwomenproject.com/emotions/when-people-are-terrified-of-your-negative-emotions

a way

walk away

walk   ing a   way

two.nineteen.
take hold of this heart and make it Yours. it's shaking, unsteady.

in my own timezone?
wth, you don't know anything about me, so stop making your 'know all' assumptions
and please stop sharing your assumptions. as they really are not helpful.

evaluation

"things can hurt and not harm us. in fact they can even be good for us. and things that feel good can be very harmful to us."

.

head pounding.

no matter.

focus.

pray hard.

.

so he goes.

but we must be strong.
婆婆 needs You.
妈咪needs to be.
i have to be.

but weakness overcomes. i can't call. i don't know how.

how?

公公
二月二十六日
早上十点十五分
愛你

加欣

boundaries

grace like rain

how ironic?
clicked into a music video of Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew, and the commercial of how great and wonderful opportunities University of Toronto was the intro.

grace like rain...university of toronto..somehow i don't feel it. and maybe thoughts and negative feelings have built up against my choice of continuing education throughout these 4 years.

but every single time, i am reminded to think about the ways God has shown himself to me through these trials and tears, how i've clenched harder and longer to robes of Jesus when i'm feeling helpless, how i realize i am to run back to His open arms waiting..all the time, how often i am shown the brokenness in me, that this is my relationship with Christ, and is not dependent on any other.

and so i guess it's through this, that i've received His grace, like, rain, falling down on me, whether i'm ready or not.

but i will always be praising.

need

Father, i need You

i'm tired

choosing

choosing to walk away, it is only right to face the consequences

not within my control

...nor was it something that ever was

must be okay

it's okay, things are swell
back and forth they go
but it's okay

because He is with me.
and i am with Him.

it really is okay.

5am

hii 媽咪
oh hi, why are you calling at this time? what time is it?
oh it's just 5am here...公公點啊?
so many things happened, i can probably write a novella. why are you calling at this time?

oh...i just..woke up early..that's all..

[rhythms] one day

what is one day in Your scale?
what is 24 hours in Your eyes?
can the 1440 minutes of 60 seconds change anything?

one day, it may. but when? this is urgent.
in one day, You can. i believe.

Father, i know You can change anything to Your will.

He can change you. don't walk towards hurt, turn around and run into His arms.. please..

there is a fight to win
and with You, i know that it will be okay
spiritual warfare
it is hard
and it hurts

so what will happen in one day?

heart broken
tears streaming
knees bent
armour shined
i want to fight with You
but i need help
we need help

and 公公 needs You.

..

It's okay
Not talking, it's fine.
i think it's past
Times       are gone..?

When you asked, i didn't want to say anything
i didn't know what to speak of
the jealousy that is in me?
the brokenness i hide?
the self-destructiveness that haunts?
the hurt by some actions?
the loneliness behind the smiles?
the tears within the laughs?
the pathetic hopes in the jokes?
the pressure given by expectations?
the character i am struggling to uphold?
the longing for time to pass slowly?
the reminders of worthlessness?
the thoughts to disappear?
the weakness to not bring myself to do it?

i can't say it. i needed to let go. so i choose a way in which i couldn't control, unedifying.
and it hurts. You. and i. and you.
the empty sentiments
the look that night
the words you spoke
i'm sorry. but it's okay. i understand.
each person has our own struggle. so it's okay if things are not said, they don't have to be.
i can't bring myself to.

And now that you moved on, it's okay, it's too late
That always seems to be how it is
i can't get out of this cycle
the suffocating fear of being vulnerable.
it is not me.. to say.

Maybe it's not time for me to, i shouldn't, and i can't seem to bring myself to.

Why?

cold jokes

this is rare, but a laugh is nice
once in a long time

but then again, today is rare.

.

maybe it's because

it's too often

must distant

stop talking

i

try

sentiments

today was a day filled with adventures.
joyful frolicks or unhappy sentiments, both existed. together, apart, both.
from desperation to shock, relief, muted, lost, wander, nervous, joy, excitement, empty, stunned, worried, prickly, and now..tired.

left on
hushed
direction
chocolate
new
classes
cold
skates
cry
scared
hurt
home
happy

what a day filled with blessings indeed.

metallic.

a cold colour.
have you ever seen a cold colour? one that you see and makes you shiver.

being bold.
I wanted a colour that isn't something I would normally wear. something that isn't me? whatever the matter, something to make a statement.

metallic.
bleh, must taste bad. but it looks oh so nice. green-grey-blue toned shimmer. 'I thought you wanted to be bold'
..ya i did, i guess..maybe just a statement. of what?

cold
'looking at it makes me feel..cold' oh. that sounds about right.

try
Am Em C G

.

a little bump, a little rock?
something's there, in my throat.
can't swallow, it's uncomfortable.
heart heavy.

more

uniqueness - acts7/8
..we come from different stories, backgrounds, history. and so does those whom God place here. we are  influencing each other. the mark we make to one another can be lasting, life-changing..so do we want the Glory of God to change lives, Jesus' love to be lasting?

one-ness - psalm 131, john 17
..Jesus' prayer is to be one, unity as one body.

growth - mark 4

HE is greater, HE is more.