tis a day of nostalgia, of remembering, of experiencing, of retracing the steps i took - starting from 9 years ago, and for the 4 years thereafter. steps that i now vaguely remember, but left with a lingering sort of unfinished bittersweet.
remembering the regrets, or maybe regretting them now?
remembering the laughter, the talks, the walks, the tears.
down the hill, through the fence, into the halls, up the stairs.
remembering my hesitance, wondering now - was it then, when it started?
when the feeling of lacking kicked in, fears of not being up to par to my imagination?
was it then, when i pulled myself in, catching all that i can, the moments, and grasping fearfully, that they may slip through and begone? that i will have to build myself up again?
stepping into a place of familiarity, but overcome by anonymity. my thoughts become solemn at the realization of my lack of presence, during this time of the year - 7 years ago - when Christmas concerts just were not my thing. ironically, i came back for that today, without being able to find any other reason to. and i carry with me, a heavy heart loaded with farewells, reminders, releases, next steps.
one day. 9 years ago, i thought of one day.
to day, i have today.
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