[rhythms] servant heart

standing in awe of your grace...
my eyes set on you
in this race that i run
no longer my ways
let your will be done
make me a servant
my heart's ever true
clinging to the cross
i'll follow you.


i..will..follow..You...even though it may be hard. who am i kidding, it is so hard Father. and You know. You know very well, sending Your son out to this scary world with much temptation, with much hurt, with much brokenness, with much pain, hostility, slander, hypocrisy, judgement, sin.

You know very well how hard it is, watching Your children tumble and stumble into potholes, letting go of your grasp, deafening our ears, blindfolding our eyes, disregarding Your warnings, and walk into a wall. over and over again. Father, You know very well.

let my eyes be set on You, truly set on You in this difficult race that i run.
i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Phil 3:14
Father, i can't run, i can't run at all. physically, you know that i absolutely can't. and so what's left to do is to leave early, and walk briskly, to make it up. but even so, i fall behind. and then slower, and slower i seem to go. until..i..get..there.
last time i had been restricted, but this time, when i can, i go.
it is warned, that a loss is felt. regret, guilt. and received with confusion, with hurt, with hostility, with laughter, with judgement, with anger, with distance, with separation.

but this is me acting upon what i've said. Father this act is costly, Costing tears, cost pain, cost trust, cost faith, cost love, cost You.

it cost Your son, Your protection, Your grasp, Your comfort. But Father, it hasn't cost Your love. not at all. Your unending love. and so where is this in me? how is it manifested in me Father? how do i continue loving and trusting and forgiving..?

Suffocation. the air seemingly diminishes as i try to focus, focus on what i am supposed to. should i go? but no, the night isn't over. and so over and over again i play, in hopes to tune out. and focus. and so it goes on, the song, the taunt, the temptation, the silliness inside my head. the taunt, the worst of all, the taunt. haunts.
and i become questionable..i become..? i..? or is it my identity. is it not rooted in Christ? where is it? where am i placing this gift from above? where is the grasp?

Father, as i begin to act upon what should be done, let this be pleasing to You. Let this be glorifying to You. Let this..be surrendered to You.