.

staaaaaahhhhhp eeeeeeeeeeeeet.
stop the wallowing.
stop the time wasting.
focus on what is ahead of you.
it's not worth it.
celebrate today.

reminder

the power of prayer

is something that is constantly ringing today.
from sharing to listening, for wisdom and strength.
then hearing to seeing, for healing and peace.
followed by questioning and confession, for love and clarity.
and finally a thought and a reminder, of the power of prayer.

stabbing in Henan, Chengping.
gunning in Newstone, Connecticut.
children. the pain.
healing and peace.

reminder of the lost, the loved, and the Beloved.

dearly

why?
the discovery, the hurt, the emptiness, the shame, the fear, the...

the love, the gaze, the smile, the joy..

fall short.



and because of this, it is pushed..
to ends.
so maybe, it has to resurface.




love you dearly.

dry

i know because i'm emotional, there are many tears to spare.

but when the time comes to react..

just let it run dry, so they don't have to surface and fall out. 

just run dry. 

[rhythms] show me

This is my prayer

Father God please pull her out
out of the ditch that she is digging deeper
out of the non-existing wonderland she is hoping to see
out of the hell-hole that she is playing around with

I want to see her
the daughter you've made her to be
I see it, I saw it, the sparkle in her eyes, the fire burning for your kingdom
Father, it's in your daughter
Father, show me how to love like you Loved

Father..

[rhythms] step and stone

these are the steps You bring me through

with each step up i took, i was hoping not to see you.

going with hopes

..but then again, maybe not today.

from a buzz and a phrase

i answered

then questioned

and drifted

then a step and a step
until i see ..a stone
heavy.

back to where i long to leave
so they fell.
droplets

but not for long, as You show me the work of Your hands
the wonders, the joy, the act of creation
followed by surprise and laughter, stun and acknowledgement
short but sweet, reminisce and linger

when grey clouds float, pity became anger
fueled with disappointment and neglect
something from the past, but somehow resurfaced.

maybe that is how it was, how i am.
the jealous me.
the hideous me.
the broken me.

yet You continue to walk with me, talk to me, love the unlovable
but not without a price. the heavy heavy price of your life.
You shower me with grace, but i shake it off like the unwanted, insignificant.

with each step You guide me to
each stone on my heart, the burdens.
You take it out and place it in front of me, so that it becomes a stepping stone
waiting..

:)

祝我快樂的十二月一號 :)

cold

In the cold, I sit
Numbing of touch, shaking inside.

water

it has been quite tiring.
am i not drinking enough liquids, that i feel burnt out a lot of the times?
or am i not allowing the flow of living water to come, and flow through, unending, and ever-nourishing, ever-replenishing. am i denying the rest i can find through him?

to see

the wonders of your creation, the stories each of our lives. 

the sights you place before us, and the unforced rhythms of grace from you.

maybe i've caught a slight case of wanderlust?
i  guess it's not too bad, being in a city that quite exciting, if i must say. filled with festivities and weekly weekend events, quite a sight.

coming back from Europe, and then Ottawa, and then New York, i've come to see many faces, hear their stories, experience the joy, and overcome the weaknesses - things that are ever present, but can be easily missed, once caught up in the hurricane of future, school, finances, relationships.
and so i've read blogs, of travelers, of solo, of pairs, of faith, of travelers. and something consistent is to see and appreciate and love what is around me, where God has placed me in this moment, at this time.

and off i go, to experience the warmth of the mid-November sun, shining brightly on a Saturday afternoon - on my first Saturday off since a long time...August?

try

i'm safe, i'd like to be safe, and i believe that i have a lot of control, that i can keep myself safe, when things may want to happen.

i can control. and i think i did. 

yep. so i figured that there are a lot of things on my mind, that i try to make a mental note of, to do. like a to do list. i guess a sort of bucket list? essentially a to-do list. since they are quite a thing for now, i figure i'll make one, take some things off my mind, so i can make room for other things to remember...like school..@_@ next up, finals *!%@#^&!*@^%#^&!@*^%#^!@&#

lol

anyhow, here it is. some quite trivial, but i still haven't done. and some, i just really want to do. of course, i'd say this is probably within a short time-frame, there are some stuff a tad more outrageous that i want to do in the long run...but ya :)

1. paint. anything. with anything. pastels, acrylic, watercolour, oil. 

2. finish and perfect (or the most to my ability) a gr.9 classical piece.

3. eat Smoke's Poutinerie. I really want to try it. 

4. make a model. like this -> http://www.tokyo-insider.net/?p=6896 

5. eat WVRST food. another one i really want to try, but keep on missing opportunities ><

6. make macarons and spend a whole day baking, with 2-3 final products. so that i be satisfied in knowing that a whole day baking was well spent. haha.

7. a weekend trip to Kingston.

8. bike in Toronto. preferably along harbourfront, and just go. 

9. learn to play a legit song on the guitar. tho 'legit' is subjective by me - lol - i think my standards are set at a reasonable level. high.

10. figure out ways to store my lomo photos. i love them, but i can't just keep sticking them to the wall.

11. drop a message to all those whom i met overseas July 2012. i really miss them. 

12. pierce my ears. i guess i'll do that eventually...

13. overlook the nighttime cityline of Toronto, then proceed to watching a sunrise, with the city beneath my feet.

14. take a pastry class. and learn to make flowers and decor and such.

15. go to Wonderland.

16. print screen a shirt with my design. 

17. learn how to skate.

18. help out at a soup kitchen.

19. Paintlounge to paint.

20. watch a broadway in Toronto.

21. cook a full meal for the famjam. 4 course? challege accepted.

22. learn to mix a couple drinks. right, that requires me to purchase a cocktail shaker.

23. go on a trip to Niagara and it's proximity.
24. get certified to teach english as a second/foreign language.
25. pay off my credit card.
26. speak French fluently.
27. go fruit picking. in order of preference: strawberry, blueberry, apples.
28. go to a zoo.
29. learn how to drive. from taking my G1 to fully G.
30. really explore the inside and out of Central Park, NYC.

well, that's it for now, still under construction, but it'll be fun :)

much love. 

focus

in a blur of things,
between bumpy roads, occasional head bobs, and neck strains,
from the stuffy air and warmth by your side,

i come to know
you
just a little bit more
you reach out
just a little bit more
you touch
just a little bit more
i fall
just a little bit more
i pray.
mat26:41.

but i wonder
why do you do this
and i wonder
who do you do this to
so i wonder
what are you thinking
when you look at me.

why?

please focus.

...

so i just bought two tickets to new york...sort of on a whim
well, i hope everything works out.

something

there is something not quite right when every time i think back, there is something
something that hurts
a tone
a glance
a sigh
a distance

and that makes me think                   why?

i guess this is why my heart will not tell me to go

or even if it is, i am hesitant to listen.

can you do me a favour?

the rush, the past week was difficult and tiring.
what's funny was that i was thirsty, but all the water i drank was not retained, didn't help. it was all coming out, as i try to drink as much as possible, but as much is thrown away.

but He knew why, because He knows me, and sees me

under the shield
behind the smiles
through the laughs

He reaches out and offers me water that can quench my thirst forever, living water
not so that it is only needed once, but that it is a constant stream, flowing through me
and that once i am given this living water, it is the only thing i look to, depend on.

but it's hard.

the repetition, the discomfort, the impatience

i

so many..

to find rest in You alone, to be filled with joy when things are good, to lift it all back to You
not let pride, envy seep through
but Your grace, love, mercy shine bright
not 'I'

but it was difficult to not let it cut
through the smiles, through the laughter
your words pierce
'finally'

from....

Here in Your Presence

Your grace, it is to me....

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy

Every fear suddenly wiped away

here in Your presence

All of my gains now fade away

Every crown no longer on display

here in Your presence

Heaven in trembling in awe of Your wonders

the kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Here in Your presence, we are undone

Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one

Here in Your presence, all things are new

Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Wonderful

Beautiful

Matchless in every way

Jar of hearts

Swallow it
Swallow it
Swallow it
Is what I tell myself
Stopit. Bottle it. Hold it.
Is what needs to be done
The lump in my throat, the welling tears, the ice in my chest. 

okay

It's okay to venture.
It's okay to see the many things that can tingle one's senses.
It's okay to wander to paths unknown or known.
It's okay to walk against the current of people.
It's okay to find amusing things and enjoy the wonders of individuality.
It's okay to be alone.

nuit blanche.2012.

k.o

Pain..
Faint..
Weak..
today was hard..
pains, there, hold out, but lightheaded right when I want to ask..
And I fainted, full out on-the-floor faint..
It was scary..shaky, then blank, and next thing I knew ppl were around me, one asked if it was okay she splash water on my face, lifted by two coworkers, sat on chair, told to drink choco milk but felt nauseous..
Told to sit still, no eating til paramedics come..
Scary, not knowing what to expect, and frustrated at how weak I was..
So weak, and I was thirsty, for living water..frustrated walking down, frustrated going home, so decided to stay on subway, Dundas to Finch to College..I was cold..fear..
home..rest..
locking jaw, stinging eyes..clumsy me..
Rest, sleep
Paintlounge..
Free to do whatever, and I started with a stroke of mixed colors, then a flower came to mind, but then many colors, like darkness overtakes the purity, filled with colors of all sort..yet light continues to shine through..
Colors darkness then becomes the back, and we're dirty, but flower grows, life continues to blossom and takes the colorful background we have and turns it into something, for the base, to bring out the light,creation,flowers,blossoms in our lives.. Though sometimes we are hidden,but we must try and try to live out and become a light through the darkness we had, the brighter may shine..if we look to Him. Colors and piece match the frustration and blue of me today.. Flowers, 5 for family, though similar, but made with different colors, uniquely blended, complimenting each other.

The creation process is art itself.
My Father is the greatest artist. 

praise of the day:
majesty - hillsong united

just popped into my head this morn, and has been stuck there since =]

fatigue..

heart heavy

leaving soon?

gratitude.

fatigue.

peut-etre, un p'tit peu

c'est un peu triste que j'ai ses sentiments, mais les sentiments d'humaines c'est comme ca. et je pense que notre Dieu a fait ses choses, que on peut eprouve, pour un raison.

oui.

c'est pour un raison.

mais quoi?

a ce moment, je n'ai pas decouvre...

tension

no.
How can that be easily said?

Give me time.
Leave me alone.
I need time..alone.
Silence.

It's hard. When it's said, it hurts.
Understandable. but it hurts.
And I've been hurt. And now it's my turn.
But it's not supposed to be that way.
LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
but it's hard.

no, I heavily dislike the word 'hate'
and i do not 'hate' you
but rather, you're a sister whom I dearly love.
I dearly care about
- though many a time, we've spoken about this, and I guess I've just been doing it wrong, because you don't know -
and because of that love, I was vulnerable, still, open

to all the things known, but unsaid
to all the daggers of words, of cut calls, of ignoring, of harsh words and attitudes, of brushing things off.
I take it in.
and maybe that's why I unknowingly project this.
my way of self-protection,
to create a distance,
- because you seem to work that way
and because of the way I work does not seem to be understandable
I figure you must understand this way
so maybe you'll finally get me -
to prevent this from happening..again.

things are well, was well, but I don't know why
and suddenly, i feel like a puppet, going ways to wherever the string pulls, without knowing
and I'm afraid
afraid of being thrown away
brushed off
back to one
when things pick up

but I should not feel this way, as everything is for something, and this is for growth.
but it's happening, and the elastic is stretched, near it's capacity
I don't want to,
I really don't.

I am bitter
As bitter as these words that are coming out of my mouth
but bitter, I cannot be.
Because if bitter is in me, no joy, or love, or trust can be in me
and there will be no room for Him, my Creator.
And that hurts. a lot.

Waves

Here it is, the silence of still waters
Occasional waves, lapping over each other

Oh, what a joyous puppy, coming up to me, as it's owner has her on a leash, but watches afar
Allowing the time between us, to be filled with giggles and cuddles.

One month
How do I prepare my heart for You?
such that it may be pure, warm, softened - for Your love to be expressed.

Two months
Father, use me.
Use these hands and feet to love, as well as a gentle heart.

Three months
Guide me as I go back, to where You've placed me, to where struggles arose, yet to where I must grow.
Father, teach me to love, and let go.

失眠。。

Stress

Pressure

也不知道為什麽 但是有點不安的感覺。。
然後這兩個句英文就在我腦海裏 不離開
好煩啊！
想睡覺 但是真的很緊張。。
唔知點解。。

嘿。。算啦。。

Father, please take this away, and give me diligence.

Boxed

And there are many layers now, I can't tell anymore..
But what I know is that I couldn't look at you
It may break
And it may pour
The guard may be gone.

Maybe it's the wee hours of the night
Or the tiring of laughter
Maybe it's the lack of understanding
And the frustrations hidden in the running water and soapy dishes

Or maybe it's the hardened hearts
Who claim to have forgiveness
But again and once again
Dig up the old

May be the putting away of life into boxes
And finding memories that bring joy to the dull
Yet into the boxes it has to go
And a new box when the other becomes full

It may be the words spoken
But no longer matters
Because it's done

Or the words spoken
With such urgency
That brings stress to one

And maybe, it just may be the high hopes I have on myself
And on you
That brings such frustration
But forgetting that it is solely on You that high hopes should lie
...

after LBC retreat

today i went along the road
- where troubles once were washed away and shaken by a huge storm raging with thunder and lightening.
it was frightening, it was thrilling, there was pleading

for safety
for cleansing
for clarity.

and so today, the sky is blue, with clouds fluffy and white.
this time on wheels, cruising by.
remembering the first trip, steps - one by one, drowned by the heavy drops of rain, with the consistency of pouring buckets of water.
it was slow, painful, tiring.

but this second trip was lighter, faster, brighter.
filled with hope, though uncertainties, but faith.
with you in the backseat, though here, we will be clear.


weekend, uncertainties came rushing
revived in hope, clarity

nights

Cold, starry night, talk, clarity
time for time..away
Is it?
Though unclear, maybe it's the best thing to do.
May all that I do be pleasing to You.

arrows

Direction
When we feel we go. When we go, its either continue, or idle. We think we may be worse, but really we continue on in some state, forever moving.
Path
History
Experiences
Interconnected
The fragrance of Christ
77 times we fall but forgiven but because we have you we are saved through you.
Mother Teresa: 50+ years of serving, through faith and conviction, not just through unstable feelings.

wait

you know what is beautiful?
when things are created from the One and Only
when he hits the keys with flat tipped fingers
when two enjoy and laugh to a movie
when one leaves but comes back
when she listens and encourages
when she leaves, leaving one frustrated but ends up finding an outlet, and encouragement
when he stays to wait
when one welcomes with open arms
when they could care less but to satisfy their hunger cravings
when she cringes and he noticed
when he looks and smiles
when creation blooms
when quietness strikes
when warmth awaits
when the road ahead stretches
when a curb is hit, but new paths reveal
when the gear is set in motion, and brings one to places
when she is frustrated but quiet
when tears free fall

but i can't.

this is what is beautiful,

His creation

blossoms.

[rhythms] that You speak

today You spoke.
though You speak everyday, today I heard.
unfortunately, not until today.

once again

and here it is, coming back to haunt.

the uncertainties, the regrets, the fears, the everything

comes rushing back, like a giant wave coming onshore, overflowing in all its capacity

with sand and rocks and debris that have settled

along with new contents floating around, new substance, whether it be trash, or treasure

mixed together, rising high, becoming visible, seemingly overwhelming

and then, like a wave, it retreats back as it nears the shore

once again

it settles, debris and all, back into the depths of stuff

waiting

waiting for the next wave, to uproot it all, once again

leave, left, alone

regret, my fault, my doing

the reminders, the voices, the confusion

the wrong, the thoughts, the unspoken words

好累..

today is one of those days, where things around you seem so full of mystery, full of sorrow, full of unspoken thoughts.

You are the healer, and because of You, I have the strength to go on.

Malachi 4:2

.one.h.twenty.m.

Father, it hurts.

The constant battle of

thoughts.

And again.

The future, the dreams, the destinations, the uncertainties, the possibilities, the goals.

The hope

The fear

The focus

must be in You

and none other.

[rhythms] Press on..

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

- Phil 3:13-14

Swings

Swings

back and forth

back and forth

back

and

forth..

Like summerohten, the breezes, the talks.

I have faith that you will do well in what He has planned for you.

I hope you know that.

Please have hope

:)

~hazelnut haha~

Things happen in funny ways. Getting to know friends, then friends of their friends, siblings of friends.

This post is for you! Glad to have met a very special girl like you :) Glad to have shared sunsets, laughters, and silliness during the time of your visit. Though it was short, circumstance allowed this encounter, and hence i believe it is for the better of both of us.

i wish you the best of luck in Vancity and see you soon? love you!

---------------------------

Made this cheesecake for a friend :) and I really like this recipe because it's so smooth!!

definitely a go to recipe for me for cheesecake now :) tho..i still need to figure out how to make it a little less dense and more soft, even when coming out of the fridge....hmmm...

*This is for a 6 inch springform pan cake size*

Ingredients:

Base:

• 1&1/4 cup crush graham cracker
• 1/4 cup sugar (maybe a little less)
• 1/3 cup butter/margerine

Filling:

• 2 blocks (8 ounce/per) cream cheese
• 1 can (14 ounce) sweetened condense milk
• 3 eggs
• 1/4 cup lemon juice
• 1 tsp vanilla extract *optional*

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
2. Combine graham crackers, sugar, and butter, and press onto the bottom of a lightly greased pan.
3. in a large bowl, beat cream cheese until fluffy, then gradually beat in condensed milk until its smooth.
4. Add eggs and lemon juice. Be careful to not to overbeat.
5. Pour into prepared pan, then stick it in the oven for ~55 minutes.
6. Check up on it after 40 minutes. If the sides are pouffy moreso than the middle, decrease the heat to about 315 degrees F.
7. After 55 minutes, turn off oven, then leave the cake in the oven with door ajar for about 30 minutes. The uneven pouffiness should even out.
8. Top with favourite jam or topping. (I made a blueberry sauce which was super yummy, so i'll update that in later posts =])
9. Enjoy!

Because it used condensed milk, it's super smooth, but also because of that, it becomes a little dense when its take out of the fridge in a few days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

士多啤梨蘋果橙

士多啤梨啤梨蘋果橙

水果當正餐

haha oldie songs!! too 正 xp

2 years

and I still remember the crazy you.

來得及

不要浪費時間

今天開始也可以

雖然晚了一點

但也來得及。

- mom

As I hear these words, and many more insights from my mother, I can't help but have tears streaming down my face.

What I am longing to hear...is heard.

If only...? But no matter, this is grace from Him.

And it takes my world for a spin.

.

there is this point

this breaking point

where things reveal

reveal to one's dismay

and that's the point

the breaking point.

Can You hear me?

[rhythms] we may

love....1John 4:19

John 13:34

..Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Because He loved, I am able to love.

Thank You, but please give me strength and faith to do so.

Thank You for showing me, for opening my eyes -

and I pray,

that she may be heard,

that I may be heard,

that she may love,

that I may love.

Thank You for softening my heart,

and now I pray for perseverance, and that You may break my heart for what breaks Yours.

[rhythms] doodleedoo~

doodleedoo~

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion?
Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life.
I'll show you how to take a real rest.
Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it.
Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.
I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.
Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I am tired, worn and burned out. But I know I must turn to You, for Your strength, not my own.

~twenty-one~

weird countdown, isn't it?

numbers don't seem to flow...but oh well ><

i am thankful for you, &you, &you, &you, &you, &you, &you, &you, &you, &you, &you, &YOU.

thank you for being the best laogong ever, one who knows me too well and burst into silly songs with me. one who listens and loves, understands.

thank you for being a beautiful tai, always a wonderful mystery in my head as to what you are thinking, and for giving me your first cake. it means so much to me, truly.

thank you for your kindness and love, your beautiful voice and a heart of gold. i missed the random meet-ups with take-out and chatting haha. and your strong faith in Him is always a great reminder.

thank you for your electric eyes, for your contagious heart, and your love for the people. seeing your love for Him gives me a boost of strength always. and i hold on tighter.

thank you for your sweet smile and silliness baobeiiii. your laughter and gentle heart are what melts mine, and thank God for letting us meet one sunny, beautiful day in HK.

thank you for being an impatient bully .v. but really, thank you for... the tour in HK, making that a very memorable time. for your patience and your influence...not really xP. you're a smart one.

three squared

and it goes on.

life, full of surprises, obstacles, adventures.

9 days into the new year

9 days left until another year

older

and what have i done

the past 12 months

for You?

i walked.

walked with others

walked alone

walked on

walked backwards.

stood still.

may these last few days of being 20 help me become what i need to become.

may these next few days give me strength to take on what will come.

元旦 :)

Quiet heart.

Thank You for this quiet heart, for being with me, for guarding my heart.

一月一號 元旦 :)

The sounds that once filled the cluttered space that is temporarily mine, has left with their producer - leaving the echoes of laughter, music, and warmth.

Suddenly it feels cold.

Yet I know that the feeling of warmth remaining in my heart will not cease, due to the joy of Him in my life, so I guess I will overcome this temporary chill.

Last hours of 2011, spent with dear brothers and sisters, has been a beautiful closing scene to this act.

As we get together to chat, to celebrate the wrap-up of one year and the opening of another, renders my heart a new joy, a new hope.

With this following act ready to begin, I pray that the development of the main character in my particular play will continue, becoming one with love abound in knowledge and having a child-like faith in our Father.

I shall sleep with a silly smile all night :)

Another 美好的回憶。 ♡