Christmas today

breakfast
first successful omelet - yay!
home
jamming to jazz
cleaning
old findings
Christmas meanings now

quiet eve

this quiet eve, as merry greetings erupt in the car at the strike of 12, kisses and merriment ensues.
though sudden thoughts of this time, last year fills my mind
wondering  
wondering at my thoughts then  
at my accomplishments now  
at my heart..

fear

every so often a fear of abandonment overcomes
in an instant all close connections are lost
yet time continues to go forth, whilst i freeze in the moment

what will happen?
where will i go?
where am i?

then this small hand packed snowball rolls down a hill
and picks up more and more, quicker, bigger,
breath shortens, heartbeat quickens
fists clench, stomach churn
eyes shut

..

an exhale of withheld anguish escapes as i walk towards a dimly lit hallway
guided by a ring and another ring from my doorbell.
carefully revealing familiar faces and security
sounds of relief from a day's work
and relief as fear scurries away today.

time

loved ones

spending time

Christmas

remembering ones who aren't with me...

day

today. i have today. i had.

tis a day of nostalgia, of remembering, of experiencing, of retracing the steps i took - starting from 9 years ago, and for the 4 years thereafter. steps that i now vaguely remember, but left with a lingering sort of unfinished bittersweet.

remembering the regrets, or maybe regretting them now?
remembering the laughter, the talks, the walks, the tears.
down the hill, through the fence, into the halls, up the stairs.
remembering my hesitance, wondering now - was it then, when it started?
when the feeling of lacking kicked in, fears of not being up to par to my imagination?
was it then, when i pulled myself in, catching all that i can, the moments, and grasping fearfully, that they may slip through and begone? that i will have to build myself up again?

stepping into a place of familiarity, but overcome by anonymity. my thoughts become solemn at the  realization of my lack of presence, during this time of the year - 7 years ago - when Christmas concerts just were not my thing. ironically, i came back for that today, without being able to find any other reason to. and i carry with me, a heavy heart loaded with farewells, reminders, releases, next steps.

one day. 9 years ago, i thought of one day.
to day, i have today.

today's movie: one day.

the pursuit

this part of my life is called... the rut.

it seems as tho i've hit hard.
the best is yet to come,
or maybe, the worst is yet to come..?

there is something that needs to be let go of
or something that needs to be realized, overcome, embraced.

what is the pursuit of this time?

time

time.

from

escape 

to

today's movie: the pursuit of happiness.

today

felix mendelssohn

once

falling slowly

musical

burgers 

soccer

layers

cold

blades

ice

unsteady

locked knees

fall thrice

back up

dig slide

warmth shared

chill

hand

led

look

focus

away

ahead

bruised

numb

left

on my own

own pace
held tight grasp, glide, turn, close

laughter

fears

hesitance

pain

air

thanks for not giving up

others fly by, pair and unpaired

i stand, teeter totter

shivers

thaw

food

silence

home

不知不覺地走回家
too much to think

fresh air

clarity

stop thinking

shake it off

close it up

stop. just simply, enjoy. 

reminders, to remember, over and over, but, over. 

start

a nice reminder personally

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/18/30-things-to-start-doing-for-yourself/

things i have been doing, one by one, i'll get there..

old

i went to a dinner banquet celebration of a 100 day-old baby and found out/realized that i am considered to be in the category of 'aunties' now...now that my friends are having kids that can talk..in the age range to address others, i mean....
i guess it makes sense...i call my parents friends 'auntie' and 'uncle'...

o.o
ohmyy

.....