weakness

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive. - Battista

one way or another, these words have been repeated

fight.

maybe that's just me
me being strong
and others just need something to lean on
whilst i sit up straight
being strong
because i can
and that's just me
because i can fight it.

continue fighting.
i must.

sting

i need to know
to not run away when it hurts
because maybe, just maybe, this is the worst it'll get?
and before thoroughly healing, it must be thoroughly exposed
and exposure stings
just like an open wound coming in contact with alcohol to be thoroughly cleansed, creating bitter pain, but protection.
and i know
i really do.

[rhythms] servant heart

standing in awe of your grace...
my eyes set on you
in this race that i run
no longer my ways
let your will be done
make me a servant
my heart's ever true
clinging to the cross
i'll follow you.


i..will..follow..You...even though it may be hard. who am i kidding, it is so hard Father. and You know. You know very well, sending Your son out to this scary world with much temptation, with much hurt, with much brokenness, with much pain, hostility, slander, hypocrisy, judgement, sin.

You know very well how hard it is, watching Your children tumble and stumble into potholes, letting go of your grasp, deafening our ears, blindfolding our eyes, disregarding Your warnings, and walk into a wall. over and over again. Father, You know very well.

let my eyes be set on You, truly set on You in this difficult race that i run.
i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Phil 3:14
Father, i can't run, i can't run at all. physically, you know that i absolutely can't. and so what's left to do is to leave early, and walk briskly, to make it up. but even so, i fall behind. and then slower, and slower i seem to go. until..i..get..there.
last time i had been restricted, but this time, when i can, i go.
it is warned, that a loss is felt. regret, guilt. and received with confusion, with hurt, with hostility, with laughter, with judgement, with anger, with distance, with separation.

but this is me acting upon what i've said. Father this act is costly, Costing tears, cost pain, cost trust, cost faith, cost love, cost You.

it cost Your son, Your protection, Your grasp, Your comfort. But Father, it hasn't cost Your love. not at all. Your unending love. and so where is this in me? how is it manifested in me Father? how do i continue loving and trusting and forgiving..?

Suffocation. the air seemingly diminishes as i try to focus, focus on what i am supposed to. should i go? but no, the night isn't over. and so over and over again i play, in hopes to tune out. and focus. and so it goes on, the song, the taunt, the temptation, the silliness inside my head. the taunt, the worst of all, the taunt. haunts.
and i become questionable..i become..? i..? or is it my identity. is it not rooted in Christ? where is it? where am i placing this gift from above? where is the grasp?

Father, as i begin to act upon what should be done, let this be pleasing to You. Let this be glorifying to You. Let this..be surrendered to You.

test

huithegiuerluyr794yr784o7fhukhfkjsdhfjkd

focus.

please focus.

all this is a test to make one stronger.

focus.

grasp

grasp

i need to talk hold of this heart, mind

that is running all over the place

in hopes

trying

to get something

but i don't know what.

some understanding?

some empathy?

some love?

but what is understanding when we each have our own experiences
what we hear then understand becomes relative to what we've felt before
do you understand?

not only to be heard, but to be felt in sharing the same experience.
'i feel you' is that what is being searched for?
i have been told to have such character. i guess that is good?
but really, to be sentient. all the while, to reason.
what do you expect of us, can you not have a little empathy?

oh the beautiful idea of love. and it's so lovely of an idea that it stops there.
what about the path that comes after, the responsibilities, the interdependence, the mindfulness.
if one cannot take care of themselves, how can they partake in the life of another
do you have what it takes to love?

i guess the lack of speaking comes with the unwanted feeling of pity, sympathy, to be dealt with fragility, or others to 'be careful' around me.
because it has never been so..or it has always been the case?
whatever the fact, maybe i just need a slap-in-the-face, punch-in-the-gut, stab-in-the-foot sort of accountability.
can i take it? with this prideful unaware stubborn mind.

back.

looking back

reading back

this is how my mind becomes idle, in the past.

thinking back
the times i did not treasure
but i remember, i was fighting it. try to not fall.

and now i wish i would have live in it.
now that it becomes once upon a past.
but then maybe it was a success, to not have been in the moment.

so in the end, did i? 

pop

circumstance

such as.



circumstance falls into place.

hurting head
much better than a hurting heart?

how are you

how are you, heart?
how are you, thoughts?
how are you, attitude?

it's been awhile. i know i spend much time on my outer appearance.
i guess spending time on checking my inner self should be done more often.

[rhythms] prodigal

Be strong in the Lord and in his great power.
- Ephesians 6:10

[My] eyes look in the mirror and see a sinner, a failure, a promise-breaker. But by faith [i] look in the mirror and see a robed prodigal bearing the ring of grace on [my] finger and the kiss of [my] Father on [my] face.
- Max Lucado

an unwanted reflection.
a merciful reminder.

silly me.

four years of friendship.
and it is not worth wanting picture.
okay.

just a thought, what is closure?

...

i think i'm done.

to deal with y...

i think i'm done.

and now begins the steps to take in being done.