.

head pounding.

no matter.

focus.

pray hard.

.

so he goes.

but we must be strong.
婆婆 needs You.
妈咪needs to be.
i have to be.

but weakness overcomes. i can't call. i don't know how.

how?

公公
二月二十六日
早上十点十五分
愛你

加欣

boundaries

grace like rain

how ironic?
clicked into a music video of Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew, and the commercial of how great and wonderful opportunities University of Toronto was the intro.

grace like rain...university of toronto..somehow i don't feel it. and maybe thoughts and negative feelings have built up against my choice of continuing education throughout these 4 years.

but every single time, i am reminded to think about the ways God has shown himself to me through these trials and tears, how i've clenched harder and longer to robes of Jesus when i'm feeling helpless, how i realize i am to run back to His open arms waiting..all the time, how often i am shown the brokenness in me, that this is my relationship with Christ, and is not dependent on any other.

and so i guess it's through this, that i've received His grace, like, rain, falling down on me, whether i'm ready or not.

but i will always be praising.

need

Father, i need You

i'm tired

choosing

choosing to walk away, it is only right to face the consequences

not within my control

...nor was it something that ever was

must be okay

it's okay, things are swell
back and forth they go
but it's okay

because He is with me.
and i am with Him.

it really is okay.

5am

hii 媽咪
oh hi, why are you calling at this time? what time is it?
oh it's just 5am here...公公點啊?
so many things happened, i can probably write a novella. why are you calling at this time?

oh...i just..woke up early..that's all..

[rhythms] one day

what is one day in Your scale?
what is 24 hours in Your eyes?
can the 1440 minutes of 60 seconds change anything?

one day, it may. but when? this is urgent.
in one day, You can. i believe.

Father, i know You can change anything to Your will.

He can change you. don't walk towards hurt, turn around and run into His arms.. please..

there is a fight to win
and with You, i know that it will be okay
spiritual warfare
it is hard
and it hurts

so what will happen in one day?

heart broken
tears streaming
knees bent
armour shined
i want to fight with You
but i need help
we need help

and 公公 needs You.

..

It's okay
Not talking, it's fine.
i think it's past
Times       are gone..?

When you asked, i didn't want to say anything
i didn't know what to speak of
the jealousy that is in me?
the brokenness i hide?
the self-destructiveness that haunts?
the hurt by some actions?
the loneliness behind the smiles?
the tears within the laughs?
the pathetic hopes in the jokes?
the pressure given by expectations?
the character i am struggling to uphold?
the longing for time to pass slowly?
the reminders of worthlessness?
the thoughts to disappear?
the weakness to not bring myself to do it?

i can't say it. i needed to let go. so i choose a way in which i couldn't control, unedifying.
and it hurts. You. and i. and you.
the empty sentiments
the look that night
the words you spoke
i'm sorry. but it's okay. i understand.
each person has our own struggle. so it's okay if things are not said, they don't have to be.
i can't bring myself to.

And now that you moved on, it's okay, it's too late
That always seems to be how it is
i can't get out of this cycle
the suffocating fear of being vulnerable.
it is not me.. to say.

Maybe it's not time for me to, i shouldn't, and i can't seem to bring myself to.

Why?

cold jokes

this is rare, but a laugh is nice
once in a long time

but then again, today is rare.

.

maybe it's because

it's too often

must distant

stop talking

i

try

sentiments

today was a day filled with adventures.
joyful frolicks or unhappy sentiments, both existed. together, apart, both.
from desperation to shock, relief, muted, lost, wander, nervous, joy, excitement, empty, stunned, worried, prickly, and now..tired.

left on
hushed
direction
chocolate
new
classes
cold
skates
cry
scared
hurt
home
happy

what a day filled with blessings indeed.

metallic.

a cold colour.
have you ever seen a cold colour? one that you see and makes you shiver.

being bold.
I wanted a colour that isn't something I would normally wear. something that isn't me? whatever the matter, something to make a statement.

metallic.
bleh, must taste bad. but it looks oh so nice. green-grey-blue toned shimmer. 'I thought you wanted to be bold'
..ya i did, i guess..maybe just a statement. of what?

cold
'looking at it makes me feel..cold' oh. that sounds about right.

try
Am Em C G