day

today. i have today. i had.

tis a day of nostalgia, of remembering, of experiencing, of retracing the steps i took - starting from 9 years ago, and for the 4 years thereafter. steps that i now vaguely remember, but left with a lingering sort of unfinished bittersweet.

remembering the regrets, or maybe regretting them now?
remembering the laughter, the talks, the walks, the tears.
down the hill, through the fence, into the halls, up the stairs.
remembering my hesitance, wondering now - was it then, when it started?
when the feeling of lacking kicked in, fears of not being up to par to my imagination?
was it then, when i pulled myself in, catching all that i can, the moments, and grasping fearfully, that they may slip through and begone? that i will have to build myself up again?

stepping into a place of familiarity, but overcome by anonymity. my thoughts become solemn at the  realization of my lack of presence, during this time of the year - 7 years ago - when Christmas concerts just were not my thing. ironically, i came back for that today, without being able to find any other reason to. and i carry with me, a heavy heart loaded with farewells, reminders, releases, next steps.

one day. 9 years ago, i thought of one day.
to day, i have today.

today's movie: one day.

the pursuit

this part of my life is called... the rut.

it seems as tho i've hit hard.
the best is yet to come,
or maybe, the worst is yet to come..?

there is something that needs to be let go of
or something that needs to be realized, overcome, embraced.

what is the pursuit of this time?

time

time.

from

escape 

to

today's movie: the pursuit of happiness.

today

felix mendelssohn

once

falling slowly

musical

burgers 

soccer

layers

cold

blades

ice

unsteady

locked knees

fall thrice

back up

dig slide

warmth shared

chill

hand

led

look

focus

away

ahead

bruised

numb

left

on my own

own pace
held tight grasp, glide, turn, close

laughter

fears

hesitance

pain

air

thanks for not giving up

others fly by, pair and unpaired

i stand, teeter totter

shivers

thaw

food

silence

home

不知不覺地走回家
too much to think

fresh air

clarity

stop thinking

shake it off

close it up

stop. just simply, enjoy. 

reminders, to remember, over and over, but, over. 

start

a nice reminder personally

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/18/30-things-to-start-doing-for-yourself/

things i have been doing, one by one, i'll get there..

old

i went to a dinner banquet celebration of a 100 day-old baby and found out/realized that i am considered to be in the category of 'aunties' now...now that my friends are having kids that can talk..in the age range to address others, i mean....
i guess it makes sense...i call my parents friends 'auntie' and 'uncle'...

o.o
ohmyy

.....

once

one month until Christmas... yayy :)

despite the bitter cold wind, i often try to warm up with thoughts of bright lights, and Christmas time fuzzies - like the joy of colour, of purposely expressed love, gratitude, smiles, hugs, laughter...

the creases around your eyes from a genuine laughter resulting from a silly prank
made me pause. to take a glimpse. attempting to grasp the scene. as my eyes traced along the creases and groves in the momentary laughter. time slowed.

in disbelief at myself, faltering. i paused.

a recurring thought today, so might as well take it down. maybe then, i can forget about it.

Creme Brulee

Creme Brulee

• 1.5 cup milk
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 2 large eggs
• 3 large egg yolks
• 2 tsp vanilla
• boiling water for water bath
• sugar for topping

1. oven 325F. milk and cream simmer. 
2. sugar, salt, egg, egg yolks, vanilla, until smooth. whisk in cooled cooked cream.
3. ramekins. bake water bath 30-40 min. 

Choux a la Crème

Good Afternoon~

Since there were leftover egg yolks from making a mousse cake last week, and i didn't want to make creme brulee for the 5th time within the past 20 days...i decided to try something that's been put off..cream puffs!

The custard in the middle calls for egg yolks only, so why not? 

After some recipes/comments comparison/combination - as usual - here's what i worked with... have fun :) 

Custard

• 3-4 egg yolks
• 3 cups milk
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup cornstarch
• a pinch of salt
• 1 tsp. vanilla essence [or vanilla bean..]

1. Beat the egg yolks until mixed well. Add in milk, one cup at a time.
2. Mix sugar, cornstarch, and salt into a saucepan [big enough for all of the milk mixture to go in later.]
3. Stir in a bit of the milk mixture, making a smooth paste. [Be sure to mush all lumps formed.]
4. Mix in the rest of the milk mixture into the saucepan, until a homogeneous mixture of pale yellow is formed. 
5. Cook over medium-low heat, stirring constantly, but not too much to break the consistency of the custard. 
6. Stir and cook until paste thickens [approx. 20-25 mins.]. Once you see bubbles formed, or spitting out of the thickened mixture, take it off the heat and cool the saucepan with cold water. mixing thoroughly as well. This prevents the cream from continue cooking with its remnant heat. 
7. Stir in vanilla essence once the saucepan is in the cooling stage. 
8. Cover and let cool in fridge when it has gotten to room temperature. Custard does not fare too well when it is sitting out for a long time. 

Optional:

• you can add a bit of rum or whiskey to it, to your liking
• if you want to make chocolate custard, mix in some melted chocolates and cocoa powder when it is still warm
• if you want to make green tea custard, mix in some green tea powder when it's still warm

^the above suggestions don't really have a set amount, because the amount and taste is really to your liking :) 

Puff pastry

• 1 cup water
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 4 large eggs
• powdered sugar & melted chocolate for garnish

1. Preheat oven to 350 F. 
2. Bring water and butter to a rolling boil. Turn off heat. 
3. Mix flour and salt into the pot. Mix well, until there are no lumps. 
4. You can transfer the dough into a large bowl. Mix is a few times to cool it down. 
5. Beat eggs into the dough, one at a time once the dough has cooled. Mix well after each egg.
6. Drop round teaspoon/tablespoon amounts onto a cookie sheet (parchment paper layer), depending on the size you like. 
7. Bake for about 30-35 minutes, checking after 25 mins. Once again, the time does depend on the size of your puff. Try not to open and close the oven door often, so as to not disrupt the baking of the puffs. 
8. Once they are of a golden brown, and you've quickly taken one out to check the middle [it should be puffed up and somewhat hollow], take it out and cool. Do not leave them in the oven to cool. 
9. Fill the custard into a pastry bag, then pipe them into the cream puffs.

For garnish: 

• you can sift powdered sugar on top of the filled puffs
• you can dip the top of the puffs into melted chocolate
• you can decorate with fruits and whipped cream
• and much more! experiment with it!

okay.

implicit
just invite
see where God leads

..oh, okay.

what have i thought about recently?

self worth
not belonging
finding my place
figuring dynamics

i guess they are lifelong thoughts, more so, struggles
even when i write, i filter...or maybe i just don't have coherent, expressive thoughts that can be delivered to one's understanding

communication, what is that?

commitment
mutual
growth in God

what really needs to be of concern, is what is being done about my personal walk, challenging myself and overcoming, inspire thoughts and responses, plans and goals.

to continue to push myself to uncomfortable limits..

..from an impromptu afternoon chat with an intriguing fellow.

continue

whilst i read a passage..

a friend messages me, with the spiteful words and pessimistic perspectives. as i stay put and listen - or rather, read what is written, i realize not to reply with what comes up in my head first, unfortunately. due to the hot tempered i, thoughts must be strained and filtered, bringing out the blessing and shaking out the spite.

but it's hard, as well as not being received well, of course. being 3am in the morning - i decided it's not really a time i have the strength, or eloquence to continue the imbalance conversation - though there was never a time restraint to Jesus - my flesh is weak, no matter how willing my heart wants to render her understanding and love.

Jesus didn't really have things easy on him, but always a blessing.
i shall continue to try, as well.

more

i fear facing
so heart hardens, just a little bit more.

towards you

i'm getting there

to a place where the existence of you will not distract.

shan't distract.

aside.

not bothered. not bothered.

why would it be bothersome? but it does.

dam. but it didn't. or maybe the first reaction was intuitive. immediate.
smile about it, look around, disregard, continue on.

oh well. pushed aside.

rejection

first official rejection from job search...
it's nice they send an official rejection letter, so you don't keep waiting for something that isn't for you.

because that is painful, waiting for something that is not mine.

Oceans - Hilsong United

You call me out upon the waters.
The Great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery;
In oceans deep my faith will stand.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Your Grace abounds in the deepest waters.
Your Sovereign hand will be my guide.
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me;
You've never failed
And you won't stop now.

So I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves.
When oceans rise my soul
Will rest in your embrace,
For I am yours and you are mine.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my saviour.

I will call upon your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in your embrace
I am yours and you are mine.