[rhythms] show me

This is my prayer

Father God please pull her out
out of the ditch that she is digging deeper
out of the non-existing wonderland she is hoping to see
out of the hell-hole that she is playing around with

I want to see her
the daughter you've made her to be
I see it, I saw it, the sparkle in her eyes, the fire burning for your kingdom
Father, it's in your daughter
Father, show me how to love like you Loved

Father..

[rhythms] step and stone

these are the steps You bring me through

with each step up i took, i was hoping not to see you.

going with hopes

..but then again, maybe not today.

from a buzz and a phrase

i answered

then questioned

and drifted

then a step and a step
until i see ..a stone
heavy.

back to where i long to leave
so they fell.
droplets

but not for long, as You show me the work of Your hands
the wonders, the joy, the act of creation
followed by surprise and laughter, stun and acknowledgement
short but sweet, reminisce and linger

when grey clouds float, pity became anger
fueled with disappointment and neglect
something from the past, but somehow resurfaced.

maybe that is how it was, how i am.
the jealous me.
the hideous me.
the broken me.

yet You continue to walk with me, talk to me, love the unlovable
but not without a price. the heavy heavy price of your life.
You shower me with grace, but i shake it off like the unwanted, insignificant.

with each step You guide me to
each stone on my heart, the burdens.
You take it out and place it in front of me, so that it becomes a stepping stone
waiting..

:)

祝我快樂的十二月一號 :)

cold

In the cold, I sit
Numbing of touch, shaking inside.

water

it has been quite tiring.
am i not drinking enough liquids, that i feel burnt out a lot of the times?
or am i not allowing the flow of living water to come, and flow through, unending, and ever-nourishing, ever-replenishing. am i denying the rest i can find through him?

to see

the wonders of your creation, the stories each of our lives. 

the sights you place before us, and the unforced rhythms of grace from you.

maybe i've caught a slight case of wanderlust?
i  guess it's not too bad, being in a city that quite exciting, if i must say. filled with festivities and weekly weekend events, quite a sight.

coming back from Europe, and then Ottawa, and then New York, i've come to see many faces, hear their stories, experience the joy, and overcome the weaknesses - things that are ever present, but can be easily missed, once caught up in the hurricane of future, school, finances, relationships.
and so i've read blogs, of travelers, of solo, of pairs, of faith, of travelers. and something consistent is to see and appreciate and love what is around me, where God has placed me in this moment, at this time.

and off i go, to experience the warmth of the mid-November sun, shining brightly on a Saturday afternoon - on my first Saturday off since a long time...August?

try

i'm safe, i'd like to be safe, and i believe that i have a lot of control, that i can keep myself safe, when things may want to happen.

i can control. and i think i did. 

yep. so i figured that there are a lot of things on my mind, that i try to make a mental note of, to do. like a to do list. i guess a sort of bucket list? essentially a to-do list. since they are quite a thing for now, i figure i'll make one, take some things off my mind, so i can make room for other things to remember...like school..@_@ next up, finals *!%@#^&!*@^%#^&!@*^%#^!@&#

lol

anyhow, here it is. some quite trivial, but i still haven't done. and some, i just really want to do. of course, i'd say this is probably within a short time-frame, there are some stuff a tad more outrageous that i want to do in the long run...but ya :)

1. paint. anything. with anything. pastels, acrylic, watercolour, oil. 

2. finish and perfect (or the most to my ability) a gr.9 classical piece.

3. eat Smoke's Poutinerie. I really want to try it. 

4. make a model. like this -> http://www.tokyo-insider.net/?p=6896 

5. eat WVRST food. another one i really want to try, but keep on missing opportunities ><

6. make macarons and spend a whole day baking, with 2-3 final products. so that i be satisfied in knowing that a whole day baking was well spent. haha.

7. a weekend trip to Kingston.

8. bike in Toronto. preferably along harbourfront, and just go. 

9. learn to play a legit song on the guitar. tho 'legit' is subjective by me - lol - i think my standards are set at a reasonable level. high.

10. figure out ways to store my lomo photos. i love them, but i can't just keep sticking them to the wall.

11. drop a message to all those whom i met overseas July 2012. i really miss them. 

12. pierce my ears. i guess i'll do that eventually...

13. overlook the nighttime cityline of Toronto, then proceed to watching a sunrise, with the city beneath my feet.

14. take a pastry class. and learn to make flowers and decor and such.

15. go to Wonderland.

16. print screen a shirt with my design. 

17. learn how to skate.

18. help out at a soup kitchen.

19. Paintlounge to paint.

20. watch a broadway in Toronto.

21. cook a full meal for the famjam. 4 course? challege accepted.

22. learn to mix a couple drinks. right, that requires me to purchase a cocktail shaker.

23. go on a trip to Niagara and it's proximity.
24. get certified to teach english as a second/foreign language.
25. pay off my credit card.
26. speak French fluently.
27. go fruit picking. in order of preference: strawberry, blueberry, apples.
28. go to a zoo.
29. learn how to drive. from taking my G1 to fully G.
30. really explore the inside and out of Central Park, NYC.

well, that's it for now, still under construction, but it'll be fun :)

much love. 

focus

in a blur of things,
between bumpy roads, occasional head bobs, and neck strains,
from the stuffy air and warmth by your side,

i come to know
you
just a little bit more
you reach out
just a little bit more
you touch
just a little bit more
i fall
just a little bit more
i pray.
mat26:41.

but i wonder
why do you do this
and i wonder
who do you do this to
so i wonder
what are you thinking
when you look at me.

why?

please focus.

...

so i just bought two tickets to new york...sort of on a whim
well, i hope everything works out.

something

there is something not quite right when every time i think back, there is something
something that hurts
a tone
a glance
a sigh
a distance

and that makes me think                   why?

i guess this is why my heart will not tell me to go

or even if it is, i am hesitant to listen.

can you do me a favour?

the rush, the past week was difficult and tiring.
what's funny was that i was thirsty, but all the water i drank was not retained, didn't help. it was all coming out, as i try to drink as much as possible, but as much is thrown away.

but He knew why, because He knows me, and sees me

under the shield
behind the smiles
through the laughs

He reaches out and offers me water that can quench my thirst forever, living water
not so that it is only needed once, but that it is a constant stream, flowing through me
and that once i am given this living water, it is the only thing i look to, depend on.

but it's hard.

the repetition, the discomfort, the impatience

i

so many..

to find rest in You alone, to be filled with joy when things are good, to lift it all back to You
not let pride, envy seep through
but Your grace, love, mercy shine bright
not 'I'

but it was difficult to not let it cut
through the smiles, through the laughter
your words pierce
'finally'

from....

Here in Your Presence

Your grace, it is to me....

Found in Your hands, fullness of joy

Every fear suddenly wiped away

here in Your presence

All of my gains now fade away

Every crown no longer on display

here in Your presence

Heaven in trembling in awe of Your wonders

the kings and their kingdom are standing amazed

Here in Your presence, we are undone

Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one

Here in Your presence, all things are new

Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Wonderful

Beautiful

Matchless in every way

Jar of hearts

Swallow it
Swallow it
Swallow it
Is what I tell myself
Stopit. Bottle it. Hold it.
Is what needs to be done
The lump in my throat, the welling tears, the ice in my chest. 

okay

It's okay to venture.
It's okay to see the many things that can tingle one's senses.
It's okay to wander to paths unknown or known.
It's okay to walk against the current of people.
It's okay to find amusing things and enjoy the wonders of individuality.
It's okay to be alone.

nuit blanche.2012.